Day Twenty

Tech has come and gone.  We had another really productive day - working up to the finale of the show.  It continues to look wonderful and Joe is a master at figuring things out on their feet as they differ from the rehearsal room.  The steady focus of everyone involved kept us moving through the show.  It was amazing to see some of my very favorite moments in the show in their full theatrical glory tonight - sequences like "I Can't Wait" and "Leave Me Behind" that go beyond the realism in a lot of the script and can only live on a stage.  I can't wait to see it all the way through at our 2:00 dress rehearsal tomorrow!

And then, of course, there's that little fact that tomorrow night at 7:30pm, Pregnancy Pact gets its first paying audience.  It's a little overwhelming to even begin to think about.  There's a huge part of me that is thrilled and proud to show off the work that all these amazing people have done.

Then there's the part of me that wants to run and hide at the thought of opening it up to the world.  I know it's what every writer dreams of, but I never thought I'd have so much anxiety heading into the big day.  In a weird way, I almost feel like I'm losing a little bit of myself by putting it out there for the world to see.  It's almost like a line from "Hummingbird Heart" - "She's like a tiny secret that nobody gets to see, but I can feel her little hummingbird heart and I'll keep her from the world so it's only her and me."  There's something so private about my relationship to this show and it's scary to think that it's no longer just mine.

Baby analogies come easily with musicals (and have always been a part of the way we talk about this show.)  So when I got home from tech the first thing I did was check to see if "birth anxiety" was a thing and there it was, clear as day.  Message boards abound with postings from soon-to-be mothers talking about their fears and nerves - knowing that it's what you've planned for all along but scared that it's actually about to really happen.  I think Jaimek000's June post on the community board of babycenter.com just about sums up what I'm feeling right now:

Any others out there that are FTMs that are starting to get nervous? Obvs, I have known all along that I will have to deliver, but now that the time is fast approaching, I am starting to get nervous, worried, anxious...when, where, HOW??? LOL. The anticipation is both exciting and nerve-racking not knowing how its all going to pan out. I have the standard concerns of will my birth go smoothly?; will my baby be so big that I will need a c-section?; will everything be OK with baby? etc, etc, etc...ANY COPING STRATEGIES? I am starting to have butterflies over it daily!

Now I first had to realize that FTM in this case has nothing to do with the trans community and instead means "first time mother."  Then I read responses and the one idea that stuck out was that no matter what concerns you may have, you must remember that women have been doing this since the beginning of time.  Everyone worries, but it's part of life.

Now I'm thankful that what I'm going to experience tomorrow won't include any pain or require an epidural (hopefully), but I can't help but feel some of the same things.  And recognizing that this is part of the life of a writer is so important.  Yes, I'll probably mourn a little bit while I celebrate how amazing the production is.  But it just means that it's real!